So lately I’ve been thinking about butterflies. A few weeks ago I was drawing designs for something(a secret project) and at first I wasn’t quite sure what to draw. I didn’t know what was going to represent the overall idea of such an important project that means so much to me, but finally I started to stop trying to find out what to draw and just...draw. Suddenly I found myself drawing a butterfly. It was calming,like all drawing for me, is but I found myself especially calm while looking at the butterfly. I was almost mesmerized by it and had wondered why. ]
Fast forward a few weeks later today, the day I am writing this essay, I got an idea. I finally got an idea for this project in my drawing and painting two class. I’ve been stressing about how and when and what the idea would be for almost a week now. My anxiety’s really bad and I would always get nervous in math before this because I knew I had to go to art and have no idea what I was doing but I finally got an idea and guess what it was… a butterfly.
I’ve always been one to love and believe in the universe. I’ve always tried to pay attention to the little “clues” the universe shows me and this is definitely one of them. During school I was texting my mom about it and how excited it made me. I told her that I wanted to research butterflies and what they mean. She told me that butterflies mean transformation.
Suddenly it all made sense. Lately I’ve been thinking about who I am and how I am. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I transformed a lot this year and how I’m transforming now. She was right butterflies represent change and self-transformation. Before butterflies are butterflies they are pupa, before they are pupa they are caterpillars, before they are caterpillars they are just an egg. Then, then, they become a butterfly.
They go through a lot to become the beautiful, happy, cheerful butterflies they are. They don’t just wake up pretty butterflies flying and having fun. They go through tough times before they get to have fun and know who they are just like us humans. Last year and so far this year have been the best year(s) for my self discovery and growth because it’s the most I’ve gone through emotionally and has changed me. I went through a lot of pain.
During the first week or two of highschool I was going through something with my custody because my parents are divorced and that was one of the worst experiences I’ve had. I was crying everyday for hours. I was slipping back into a depression I hadn’t experienced for years, something I haven’t experienced since after my second brain surgery years ago. I didn’t know what to do and I thought it was never going to get better and I went through a lot with school and changing my schedule. It’s been a lot and it’s been scary but through it all I learned something that changed me.
For example, when I was going through the stress of my changing custody I learned that I have to cherish the time I have with my parents because I have to leave them. I realized instead of spending the whole week with my mom thinking I’ll miss her when I’m with my dad, I should live in the moment and actually make memories with her and the same goes for when I’m with my dad. If that wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t have learned I need to cherish the time with them and I probably wouldn’t have even noticed time with my parents was passing me by.
That’s just one of the many things I learned through all of my terrible experiences. Years ago I had my second brain and it didn’t go well(to say the least). After I was depressed for a while, I wouldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t like the only things that used to make me happy even the stuff I liked in the hospital, I had no motivation and felt like I had no reason to get out of bed in the morning. It was terrible but it taught me that life is worth living. It taught me that if I could be happy while in the hospital why couldn’t I be happy anywhere at anytime. It taught me that I can’t control the Universe and what it does or what others do but I can control my reaction to it.
These lessons have changed me forever and without them I wouldn’t even be writing personal essays because something else I learned is self awareness and I need self awareness to write these essays. At first I hated how I changed, I thought “it’s terrible that this happened because now I’m different and the old me is great. I don’t like who I’ve become now. I’m more angry now, I’m more afraid of getting hurt now.” and all of that is true but the transformation is why I’m becoming a better writer, blogger, youtuber, artist, friend, daughter and person and that’s what’s most important. THAT, that is why I identify and trust and love the representation of and the actuality of butterflies.
“The Butterfly Effect: Personal Cycles of Transformation, Rebirth, and Renewal”- The HuffPost
“Butterfly Life Cycle/Butterfly Metamorphosis”