My Teenage Existential Crisis
Ever since last weekend when I was with my dad and he mentioned working and working at ———-I’ve thought about getting a job and college and the future and I’m stressed.
To be honest the thought of working scares me and always has. I remember even two or three years having people ask me what I wanted to do when I grow up or what type of job I was gonna get as a teenager would make my stomach hurt, but only for a fleeting moment before remembering I had a few years to figure it out.
Now I’m fourteen. Now I’m a teenager. Now I’ve been a teenager for two years. Now I have no excuses. No time to think. Nothing, just figure it out. Do this. Do that. Plan this. Plan that.
And the thing is there are so many options of what to do and how that make it even more difficult. There’s a lot of hard work and pressure involved into being a teenager, no wonder we’re dramatic, mad and always stressed.
You adults would be too if you guys were finding out where to go college, when to go(if you should take a gap year), grades, getting a job, going to a job and being scared dealing with customers and other people(social anxiety), more social anxiety and peer pressure.
No wonder we take drugs and party all the time or at least that’s what people generalize about us(teenagers). The teens who do that are trying to escape this prison of questions with no answer. A prison within the mind that you can’t leave. Teens are getting bullied & hurting themselves over this stuff and no one seems to care.
I was anxious and no one cared until I had a panic attack in front of them. Most adults, but my mom, and people didn’t care until they saw me crying, saw me out of breath. I’m stressed, I’m really stressed. I’m not perfect and I’m stressed. Dealing with all this is a lot.
Give me-Give Us- Give Us Teens Some Credit.
edit: last time there were supposed to be photos with them but I didn’t upload them with the story sorry but here ya go the poem n photos for “green”. Enjoy! *
It smells like peppermint and feels fresh
Cool winter air
That you breath
After being stuck in a hot room
Angry and tired
It is refreshing and crisp like snow
And falls like rain
I'm going to start posting a few of my snap photos here on the blog. My snap is private (thanks mom) lol... but will share some here for you Creatives!
This is part two of that story enjoy and thanks for reading! :)
And then everything was pink in this land of fairies. Pink with the imagination she had inside her. Pink with love- a love that was not just romantic but platonic and usually over looked. She realized that looking for new fairies was important but not all she had to do.
She realized she already had what she need. All the love, all the worth, all the happiness others had beat out of her, hidden underneath it all. She bared her soul in those screenplays and in those had characters which were and still are friends to her in every way, some would say even more ways then her “real” friends who were never real.
It is now that she can finally cry and speak her mind with little hesitation. The fairies danced around her and said “rejoice in this freedom of friendship for all theses friends have come from you’re biggest friend the Universe.”
I came up with this cool way of describing myself. I’ve been trying to get better photos but I found my older phones are also good. So here are a few that are newer but that I like. I found a way to get back into poetry and photography with it. This is the first part of the story “Yellow” then “Pink” which is also written already and then blue which I’m still working on.
This is supposed to be for the photography tab of my website because I want to share it and it means a lot but I don’t need you to worry about uploading it now just read it please because I’m proud of it! Came up with this last night and finally got inspiration after months of not writing, couldn’t stop writing so here ya go, thanks mom:
And then she remembered happiness was most important
...and then she felt yellow
Yellow like the sun and was born again into a new age of happiness and hope and lived among the LOA land with the manifestation fairies.
That is when she started glowing and changing for the better. In a world that stayed differently the same. Surrounded by the fairies she was....
So lately I’ve been thinking about butterflies. A few weeks ago I was drawing designs for something(a secret project) and at first I wasn’t quite sure what to draw. I didn’t know what was going to represent the overall idea of such an important project that means so much to me, but finally I started to stop trying to find out what to draw and just...draw. Suddenly I found myself drawing a butterfly. It was calming,like all drawing for me, is but I found myself especially calm while looking at the butterfly. I was almost mesmerized by it and had wondered why. ]
Fast forward a few weeks later today, the day I am writing this essay, I got an idea. I finally got an idea for this project in my drawing and painting two class. I’ve been stressing about how and when and what the idea would be for almost a week now. My anxiety’s really bad and I would always get nervous in math before this because I knew I had to go to art and have no idea what I was doing but I finally got an idea and guess what it was… a butterfly.
I’ve always been one to love and believe in the universe. I’ve always tried to pay attention to the little “clues” the universe shows me and this is definitely one of them. During school I was texting my mom about it and how excited it made me. I told her that I wanted to research butterflies and what they mean. She told me that butterflies mean transformation.
Suddenly it all made sense. Lately I’ve been thinking about who I am and how I am. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I transformed a lot this year and how I’m transforming now. She was right butterflies represent change and self-transformation. Before butterflies are butterflies they are pupa, before they are pupa they are caterpillars, before they are caterpillars they are just an egg. Then, then, they become a butterfly.
They go through a lot to become the beautiful, happy, cheerful butterflies they are. They don’t just wake up pretty butterflies flying and having fun. They go through tough times before they get to have fun and know who they are just like us humans. Last year and so far this year have been the best year(s) for my self discovery and growth because it’s the most I’ve gone through emotionally and has changed me. I went through a lot of pain.
During the first week or two of highschool I was going through something with my custody because my parents are divorced and that was one of the worst experiences I’ve had. I was crying everyday for hours. I was slipping back into a depression I hadn’t experienced for years, something I haven’t experienced since after my second brain surgery years ago. I didn’t know what to do and I thought it was never going to get better and I went through a lot with school and changing my schedule. It’s been a lot and it’s been scary but through it all I learned something that changed me.
For example, when I was going through the stress of my changing custody I learned that I have to cherish the time I have with my parents because I have to leave them. I realized instead of spending the whole week with my mom thinking I’ll miss her when I’m with my dad, I should live in the moment and actually make memories with her and the same goes for when I’m with my dad. If that wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t have learned I need to cherish the time with them and I probably wouldn’t have even noticed time with my parents was passing me by.
That’s just one of the many things I learned through all of my terrible experiences. Years ago I had my second brain and it didn’t go well(to say the least). After I was depressed for a while, I wouldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t like the only things that used to make me happy even the stuff I liked in the hospital, I had no motivation and felt like I had no reason to get out of bed in the morning. It was terrible but it taught me that life is worth living. It taught me that if I could be happy while in the hospital why couldn’t I be happy anywhere at anytime. It taught me that I can’t control the Universe and what it does or what others do but I can control my reaction to it.
These lessons have changed me forever and without them I wouldn’t even be writing personal essays because something else I learned is self awareness and I need self awareness to write these essays. At first I hated how I changed, I thought “it’s terrible that this happened because now I’m different and the old me is great. I don’t like who I’ve become now. I’m more angry now, I’m more afraid of getting hurt now.” and all of that is true but the transformation is why I’m becoming a better writer, blogger, youtuber, artist, friend, daughter and person and that’s what’s most important. THAT, that is why I identify and trust and love the representation of and the actuality of butterflies.
“The Butterfly Effect: Personal Cycles of Transformation, Rebirth, and Renewal”- The HuffPost
“Butterfly Life Cycle/Butterfly Metamorphosis”
I made a new post under my Fashion tab. Check it out!!!